I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
