Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize