Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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