Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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