What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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