I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
