You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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