Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
