We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize