I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can I color on your dick again?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
