Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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