i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My bed smells like the plague
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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