apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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