Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
