You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
