I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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