I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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