Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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