I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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