There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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