rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
