Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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