I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize