Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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