Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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