I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I love having hate sex.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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