I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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