Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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