You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
