I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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