$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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