Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize