I wish my penis had an off switch
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
