i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize