Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
