The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
