shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
