Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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