saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
