I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
