my mouth tastes like poor choices
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
