I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize