i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
