My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
