I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
