She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Less talking, more tequila
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
