I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
