Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dicks are not precious.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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