dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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