um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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