I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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