More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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