Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
