I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize