You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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