ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
