I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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