I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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