last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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