shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize