Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
