I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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