Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
