she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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