i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize
