does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You dont lie about slip and slides
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
